[wplug] Netwars [was: US Gov warns of id theft in China]

[Michael Semcheski]

[the President calls the Soviet Premier]

President Merkin Muffley: [to Kissoff]
Hello?... Uh... Hello D- uh hello Dmitri? Listen uh uh I can't hear
too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a
little?... Oh-ho, that's much better... yeah... huh... yes... Fine, I
can hear you now, Dmitri... Clear and plain and coming through fine...
I'm coming through fine, too, eh?... Good, then... well, then, as you
say, we're both coming through fine... Good... Well, it's good that
you're fine and... and I'm fine... I agree with you, it's great to be
fine... a-ha-ha-ha-ha... Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always
talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb...
The *Bomb*, Dmitri... The *hydrogen* bomb!... Well now, what happened
is... ahm... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of... well, he
went a little funny in the head... you know... just a little... funny.
And, ah... he went and did a silly thing... Well, I'll tell you what
he did. He ordered his planes... to attack your country... Ah... Well,
let me finish, Dmitri... Let me finish, Dmitri... Well listen, how do
you think I feel about it?... Can you *imagine* how I feel about it,
Dmitri?... Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?... *Of
course* I like to speak to you!... *Of course* I like to say hello!...
Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I'm just calling up to tell you
something terrible has happened... It's a *friendly* call. Of course
it's a friendly call... Listen, if it wasn't friendly... you probably
wouldn't have even got it... They will *not* reach their targets for
at least another hour... I am... I am positive, Dmitri... Listen, I've
been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick... Well,
I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run-down on
the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the
planes... Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we're unable to recall the planes,
then... I'd say that, ah... well, ah... we're just gonna have to help
you destroy them, Dmitri... I know they're our boys... All right, well
listen now. Who should we call?... *Who* should we call, Dmitri?
The... wha-whe, the People... you, sorry, you faded away there... The
People's Central Air Defense Headquarters... Where is that, Dmitri?...
In Omsk... Right... Yes... Oh, you'll call them first, will you?...
Uh-huh... Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you,
Dmitri?... Whe-ah, what? I see, just ask for Omsk information...
Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm... I'm sorry, too, Dmitri... I'm very sorry... *All
right*, you're sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well... I am as
sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don't say that you're more sorry than I am,
because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are... So we're both
sorry, all right?... All right.