[wplug] Humor: GM vs. Microsoft

[Weber, Larry A]

People don't buy cars like they buy computers
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to
drive because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if
they did....

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from the battery and turns
over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
these technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!
Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How would I know?
Helpline: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and some
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install
it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built
in!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
Helpline: What's wrong?
Customer: I crashed, that's what's wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor. It worked fine for a while and then it crashed and it
won't start now!
Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't
crash anymore!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
and power door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car.


> -----Original Message-----
> From:	Russ Schneider [SMTP:russpgh at stargate.net]
> Sent:	Thursday, September 04, 2003 9:23 AM
> To:	wplug at wplug.org
> Subject:	[wplug] Humor: GM vs. Microsoft
> 
> 
> 
> Microsoft vs. GM
> ================
> 
> For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for
> the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
> 
> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
> compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
> stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
> industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
> miles to the gallon."
> 
> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
> release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
> we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
> 
> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
> 
> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
> have to buy a new car.
> 
> 3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
> reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road,
> close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
> reopen the windows before you could continue.
> For some reason you would simply accept this.
> 
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
> cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
> you would have to reinstall the engine.
> 
> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
> reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but
> would run on only five percent of the roads.
> 
> 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
> would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
> Illegal Operation" warning light.
> 
> 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
> 
> 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
> you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
> the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
> antenna.
> 
> 9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
> learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
> would operate in the same manner as the old car.
> 
> 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> -- 
> Russ Schneider (a.k.a. Sugapablo)
> http://www.sugapablo.com
> 
> Latest Release:
> http://candidate.zhrodague.net/Sugapablo-B-145_BPM.mp3?sig
> 
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